Silver Lining

As I type this, I have a little man snuggled up on my chest, fast asleep with a full tummy. I’ve waited all day to be able to cuddle with him. Even though I’m a stay at home mom during my leave, I rarely stay at home. I find myself pulled in different directions these days; my heart used to be at the hospital and my body would travel home to eat and sleep, but my heart would never leave Pod E. Now, my heart is broken- torn in two- as I juggle the daily trip to see my daughter, thus leaving my son, and then hurry home to my son, thus leaving my daughter. It is a hard mix of happiness to have Jack home, and sadness knowing that our house is not complete. I know things will get easier; this heartbreaking part is supposed to be hard, piercing at times, to remind me that while my heart is torn in two, at least I have two little blessings to show for it. I have to remind myself there’s a silver lining to all of this. I know the silver lining is the little girl who took ALL 4 of her daytime bottles and finished them today (way to go, Harper- a first for her). I know the silver lining is the cozy boy snoozing on his momma. I know the silver lining exists- I live with it, I touch it, I experience it everyday, but it’s so easy to overlook the good amidst the stress of the routine. Today, I chanted my mantra “patient and optimistic” as I leaned over to kiss a little nose in the NICU and whisper and prayer that God will keep her safe and bring us answers. I chant my mantra as I stroke a sweet smelling baby’s head while he sleeps in my favorite chair. I remember that these moments are the experiences that I must treasure- these common, everyday things are easily taken for granted- these are the pieces of my silver lining that keeps me sane. I hope tomorrow there will be more bottles that are finished, more naps to be enjoyed, more milestones to blog about. Despite the unconventional start, we are blessed beyond measure. Sometimes it takes typing the words and reading them back- stepping outside myself- to see that; sometimes it takes the blog to show me just how thankful I should be.