One year ago today I was wheeled into a cold operating room all alone. I was anxious- I knew that the two of you weren't ready to be born yet, but I wanted so badly to meet you. I was scared- I had no idea if I'd be strong enough to make it through the epidural (you know I hate needles) or brave enough to undergo major surgery. I was excited- today my babies were going to be born; I was going to be a mom! I felt like I had waited for this moment for a long time...
Looking back on your birthday, I had no idea what was to come. I had no idea that it would be hours before I could touch you, a day before I could hold you close to me, and it would be long months before you were home. I had no idea that I wouldn't cradle my newborn babies or smell their heads or hear them cry out, and in some ways that still bothers me. It still bothers me that we didn't have some of those first milestones to share as a family. But, most of all, today fills me with awe. I had no idea what was to come and I had no idea if we would make it to this point and I had no idea how wonderful, smart, funny, joyous, beautiful, and exciting you both could be.
I am in awe that my little babies who started off their lives in incubators are now on the verge of walking, who required oxygen and a ventilator are now screaming at the top of their lungs, who had so many problems eating are now sampling food off of Mommy and Daddy's plate, who lived in a world of darkness and monitor beeps and touch times, are now living every moment in a technicolor, interactive world- it is amazing to me.
Harper and Jack, I don't know what the future holds for you, but I do know that to whom much is given, much is expected. The two of you have been given many gifts; I can't wait to see how you grow and use those gifts. You are my miracles; the two of you have changed our whole lives, and it's hard for me to remember what life was like before you were here.
Everyone in the NICU said that one day the hospital would just be a distant memory; when we were there, I didn't think it could be true. But holding the two of you everyday for the last 365 days, watching you learn and laugh and grow has made me a believer. Your first year has not been defined by the hospital or your rough start, but it's had been defined by the little ones you've become.
Jack- You are our smiling man. Every morning when you wake up, you give me the biggest grin and you seem genuinely happy to see me. You are friendly to everyone you meet, quick to forgive, and persistent in your pursuits- I hope you never lose those qualities. I know that you will be outgoing and easygoing, and being able to laugh at yourself is something many people will admire. You are an admirable little man already. Your temper is also starting to show, and even at 12 months old, I can tell that this temper is going to get the best the of you sometimes- I hope this is something you learn to control; if you can balance your temper and your smiles, you'll have a winning combination. I pray God watches over you everyday. You are a wonderful son, a good big brother, and we are so thankful and happy to call you our Jack-man. Happy birthday, buddy, I love you.
Harper- You are a going girl. You are always on the move, and you always have an agenda. You will forge any obstacle to get what you want; you are cunning and already working angles, even at 12 months old. You are slow to warm up to people, but once you have, you trust them completely; you are adventurous, focused, and full of surprises. I hope that you keep your tenacious personality because chasing a goal will give purpose to your life. You also have a killer grin and squeal combo that makes us laugh every time. You, my dear, are also a very stubborn one. I know that this will be something that might serve you well at times, but it is also something that can lead you down the wrong path (trust me, I know); I pray that you have a good head on your shoulders to see when you need to chase after something or hold tight to an opinion, and when it's best to let it go, or walk away. I pray God guides you in all you do. You are our little girl and we are so proud to call you our daughter and Jack's little sister. Happy birthday, Pumpkin, I love you.
So, Little Ones, here's to another year of learning so many new skills, trying new things, going on great adventures, and becoming the people you are meant to be. I am honored I was chosen to be your mother and I can't wait to watch you grow up.
All of my love always,
Momma
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